Wednesday, 31 March 2010



  • Some people, I will never understand. You would think that I would've learned this by now. But I'm one of those people that like to give others the benefit of the doubt. I'm naively trusting and I like to believe the best in people. I dislike it immensely when they prove me wrong, however. I'm tired of, in a way, getting stabbed in the back. Sometimes I sincerely wish I were one of those people that learned to shut themselves off from others. Evelyn said that we have to learn the hard way to make us that much wiser when it comes to reading people. Then she told me not to cut myself off that way. But sometimes, I just feel like I'd spare myself a lot of grief that way.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010



  • It's been a while since I've seen her. A good couple of years and even back then, it'd only been for about a day or so. I was fourteen when I first met her. I was the new girl in school; just transferred from a nearby Catholic school and she was the girl who hid beneath a thick waterfall of hair. She was the shy girl who smiled quietly in greeting and I was the girl who merely waved in passing. I never figured that in a short amount of time, she'd become my best friend. The best friend that I can call up at four in the morning and she'd be groggy from sleep - but still willing to talk me through whatever adolescent bullshit I was going through at the time. When she left to study abroad, admittedly, things got hard for me. I didn't have her there as my crutch anymore and it cost too much to call her though I did my best when I could. When I flew to the same country she was in to visit family, she flew in to spend a couple of days with me because hey - what are friends for, right? I don't think she ever knew how much I appreciated her doing that. She'd made things easier on me during my stay and it was because she was there for me to vent to, talk to, cry to, etc., etc.

    It always strikes me funny when I think about the people who've come and gone in my life. I had friends who I thought would be there for me through whatever went on in my life. I thought they'd be there until we were old, graying, and sitting on a front porch somewhere, sipping ice tea and reminiscing on our 'younger' days. It always saddens me when I realize that those 'friends' were fairweather friends. Only there for the good times, but once the bad hits, they bail. It's taught me to never be that kind of person. I've learned to stay put when needed and to hold a hand when things are difficult. The people that've been in my life have taught me a lot. They've taught me that I can't trust too many people and to fully realize those who're true. It was a hard lesson to learn, but the best lessons are the ones you learn the hard way. Or so I've come to find out.

    At the same time, learning about trusting people makes me sad. Only because I'm a trusting person. I can say that without feeling like I'm some naive young woman. Because I'm not. I know the ins and outs of things - but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. There's so much bad shit going on in the world, so much betrayal and hurt going on, I don't like to add on to that equation. I give my trust until proven that I can't and in there, I learn who I can lean on. Friendships are tricky. You just never know sometimes and sometimes, the end result is hurtful - but for those who stay, it compensates and it makes you feel good because there's always at least one person in the world beside yourself that you can trust. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm completely rambling here. My thoughts are jumbled and I'm trying my damndest to unscramble them. It's kind of hard right now.

    I DO know one thing. I've found a true friend. And in her, I can totally see us sipping ice tea on a front porch, wrinkly and gray and cracking jokes about how dumb we were in our roaring twenties.

Sunday, 21 March 2010

  • It's been a while since I've actually written in here. All my past Xanga blogs have been forgotten and for good reason. I think this is a good time as any to start fresh with everything in my life. I've been dwelling too much on the past and that's not good for me. They say, the past is there for a reason, right? I shouldn't have to bring it in my present nor my future. I shouldn't and I won't. The past ten months have been -- I wouldn't say chaotic. They've been quick. They've flown by so fast; when it feels like I just moved here from California only weeks ago as opposed to ten months. Do I like it in Texas? To a degree. It's not bad here. It's definitely a far cry from the hustle and bustle of San Francisco life, but I'm not complaining. It's quiet here. A little ... quaint, even. Well, I wouldn't go that far - but it's definitely not the city-life that I'm used to. But that was to be expected. I came to Texas knowing that it would take a lot of patience and a lot of adjusting. I got past all that. I decided that I was going to like the new life that I was adopting the second I got here. I don't regret that decision because I do like it here. There's less things to do, but I'm free from all the drama that I had with me back at home. I left all those behind with a purpose to start my life fresh and clean. Some people say that I moved to Texas to run away.

    Run away. Me? I don't run away from my problems. I face them head-on. If there's a situation brewing, I don't ignore it. I deal with it the best way I can, the best way I know how to and then I move on from it. I've come to realize that I'm not going to get anywhere dwelling on the things that try to bring me down. Not when there's so many things about my life that I can smile about. Moving here wasn't as easy as some people thought it would be. I had to deal with the fact that I really didn't know anyone. I had to deal with finding work, and through work, I was able to meet people that have now become incredibly dear friends to me. I've lived here in this small town more than I ever have in an overpopulated, modern, hectic city. I love that. I've smiled more, laughed more, enjoyed the little things more here than I've ever had anywhere else. I appreciate it. I don't miss the life that I once had. I was cornered in a situation where I thought that it was all that was left of me. I thought for sure, "This is it. This is what I have to get used to because this is going to be what my life is like in ten, twenty years." I didn't like that. So I left. Because when you think that you're at the end, you're not.

    There's more to life than what I had. I wanted to be more independent and more -- just more, me. I wanted to let myself shine and I did. I've never been more proud of myself than I am now. I'm happy here. I have my ups and downs like everyone else, but most of the time, they don't seem as bad as I would've originally thought they would be. Maybe it's because I've realized that I don't have to stress about the little things. There's always a bigger picture to things, more things on the other side of the downs to see that I can just laugh it off.

    I'm twenty-five years old and I've really just begun to live.

    I think this is why my mom, my family, and Evelyn (who's pretty much a part of my family anyway) are so ... proud of me. Because I've stepped out of the shell that I was stuck in and made a move bigger than myself, bigger than what I originally was supposed to do. I'm making my own life out here and that really is something to have some pride in, right? Being an only child, I've had to lean on others for a hand. Now I'm leaning on myself. It's tough and sometimes, yeah, it sucks - but I wouldn't change anything I've done. Because all of it led me to where I am today. Go me. Right? Right.

remedydrive

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